Here are some of the latest innovations on the bra scene that we like.Â
The Pump Bra
In our continuing coverage of the uber–lift, please make a note of the latest entry: The Ultrabra Airotic. Using something like the Nike pump premise, the Airotic by Gossard allows you to control your cleav by letting you pump yourself up – up to two cup sizes bigger. They’re billing it as “the safe alternative to cosmetic surgery.” It won’t blow up on planes, says the testing, despite rapid changes in air pressure. What about changes in mood pressure?
That’s one of the Airotic’s great advances. Now you can tailor your buzoom to the needs of the day. Stuffy clients at the afternoon meeting? Deflate and look serious. Hot coworker slipping by your cubicle? Inflate. Mom against plastic surgery? Deflate. Need a raise? Inflate. Plump friend intimidated by your gorgeousness? Deflate. Up, down, up, down.
This kind of thing could consume your entire workday. Thank God you can buy one and confine it to nights with your new man. But then again, it eventually has to come off.
Turn Fat into Cleavage
I heard today that some woman out there is marketing a bra called SuddenlySlender that takes your stomach fat and uses it to create more cleavage. She claims to have given a model 3 more inches of bust line, but ahem, who was the last model you saw that had 3 inches of available fat to be molded elsewhere? If it’s true, bring on the Ho-Ho’s and Twinkies, girls.
Trying to find the right bra is right up there with say, trying to buy the right jeans: a necessary evil, but grueling. It’s very hard to find a harness that will function like a forklift, separate the Continental Divide, and be all lacey and feminine for under $10. Trust me, I’ve tried.
You always end up sacrificing some requirement. It’s either, okay, I’ll be lacy but droopy; or it’s cleavage up to my chin, but I need an oxygen mask because of the snake-like constriction; or the lift and cleavage is great but the look is Helga the prison matron. Gee, what lovely alternatives.
But now with SuddenlySlender, the suffering is over. In fact, I can have so much cleavage I’ll make Dolly Parton look deficient. Never again will I have to sacrifice looks or comfort to get the boobs I had at 18; hell, I’ll be 100 and still have them – plus get to eat Ho Ho’s. It’s the breast fountain of youth and the answer to my prayers. And to think, the answer has been right under my, er, boobs the whole time.
Silicone
While shopping last week, we stopped in front of the silicone filled bras. That’s right – they’re now filling bras with the same previously banned substance that delivered such a natural look to Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. Instead of shelling out the 9K, you can now get the same vavoom for about $29 and avoid any messy class action lawsuits.How it works – as tested by EllenSilicone gel (or in some cases, just plain water) is inserted in the sides of the cups, where the WonderBra uses only foam pads (so twentieth century!). The bra feels totally funky in your hands, but once on – it’s Cleavage Galore. Coincidentally, the name of the latest Bond Girl.
For the first time ever, I actually had that smashed together line down the center. For those who crave fake boobs, here’s your chance for a really fake looking set: Your own!
