Botox Betty Speaks

We spoke with a friend on condition of anonymity about Botox and how it works.

NoonCity: You look great.

Botox Betty: Thanks. It’s made a difference, I think. I’m not quite so haggard anymore.

NC: That whole now-I-just-look-like-50-miles-of-bad-road versus 55 thing?

BB: Yep. You’re jealous.

NC: So, what’s the deal? First, who do you go to? How’s it work?

BB: I went to a plastic surgeon. You can go to a derm, but the surgeon was actually cheaper. Go figure. Anyway, it only takes about 2 minutes, or not even. I was stressing, but he makes just five pinpricks between your eyebrows and it’s over in a flash. Bam, bam, bam. You have to hold still, with your head against a rest.  He even gets it done between his eyebrows, he said. It was pretty cheap: $250 per area.

NC [rapidly doing the computations for herself – damn, this’ll take a lot of poison]: Per area?

BB: Yeah, between your eyebrows counts as one. Both crow’s feet count as two. Forehead is one. I only did between my brows. Now that hideous vertical line is gone.[She makes a face, trying to scowl.  The skin between her brows stays preternaturally smooth]

NC: How long’s it last, Cher?

BB: Well, this is my second round. It’s supposed to last a little bit longer each time you do it. Between 3 – 6 months.

NC: How far in advance do you have to call?

BB: I think I got an appointment within 10 days.

NC: Aren’t you a big wigged about using a paralytic agent so close to your brain?

BB: It goes in the muscle, not the brain. He doesn’t have a foot long needle. Then it passes out of the body altogether.  Supposedly.

NC: So, what happens after you get the shots? Is it immediate? 

BB: Oh, no. It actually takes up to 5 days to see the effects. The first time, I had a small anxiety attack when it was over. I felt a little faint, but that’s me, stressing. He told me not to lie down for four hours. So I went shopping.

NC: Can you go out or are you out of commission?

BB: I went on a Friday and went out that night.  You can drink, he said.  Just no bending over for those first four hours.

NC: Did you have any problems?

BB: It didn’t take fully the first time, so I went back for a “touch up.” Those are free. They under do it at first. Oh, and I had a tiny headache at one point; that’s normal.

NC: What do you think about Cher? Is her face frozen because of Botox, or is the surgery? I love Cher, by the way.

BB: I dunno. I think it’s just been worked to death. She doesn’t really smile anymore and that’s what makes her look weird.  I’m not sure she even can.

NC: She still looks better than most 60 year olds.  Sooo, what’s next? Do you do this for the rest of your life or what?

BB: I don’t have it down to a fine plan yet. For the next couple of years, probably.  Who knows where we’ll all be then?

NC: Amen, sister.

About Botox

Ah, those pesky vertical lines betwixt your eyebrows. For some reason they’re far more offensive than the delicate cross-hatching just starting under your eyes or around your mouth. They make you look evil. Like you’re frowning all the time and had a particularly bad decade. What’s a girl to do – tolerate this?

Botox® shots are a fast, non-permanent fix that instantly makes a difference. Your friendly dermatologist numbs the skin topically then injects the wrinkle with botulinium toxin. Unlike collagen which plumps the skin, Botox® paralyzes the underlying muscle and makes the skin flatten out, delivering a more serene expression.

Prices vary, up to $350 per “area,” which generally are the crow’s feet, forehead, or between the brows. Results last about four to six months. Because of its short shelf life, Botox appointments are stacked on designated ‘Botox’ days. Downside: complications can include short-term facial drooping. You have to withstand about 7 pinpricks.  Also, you can’t lower your head for a couple of hours. 

For the squeamish: yep, it’s botulism.