How Girls Ruled at Kentucky Oaks Race
The Kentucky Oaks Race (Fillies only) takes place the day before the Kentucky Derby. It is truly a day all about da girls. And on a day when everything revolves around the female of the species, our latest Excellent Adventure was no exception. We set out for Churchill Downs decked out in new frocks and [...]
The Spiritual Pleasure Behind It’s a Wonderful Life
Something hasn’t been right with the holidays since It’s a Wonderful Life fell out of public domain and was scooped up by NBC which persists in grinchily allowing one, or at the most, two airings per Christmas season. The movie used to run wall to wall on every tiny channel across cable land. At any [...]
How to Manage Email Better
I love email. It’s like passing notes in middle school, except this time everybody is literate and it’s a lot more interesting to read. Plus there is usually no suspense about whether someone likes me or not. The problem is, I’ve fooled around and worked a whole bunch of people into my daily rotation. Much [...]
How to Survive Halloween in Salem Massachussetts
A week out from our New England getaway and I feel I’ve finally recovered enough to put some thoughts down. Now, it’s not what you’re thinking; those girls had too much of a good time, i.e. too much liquor, not enough sleep and some overall debauchery. No. One has to remember that Ellen and I [...]
How to Do the Burning Man Festival
Does your idea of paradise involve pitching a tent for a week in a baking desert inferno at 115 degrees? Want some naked dancing, lots of crafts, no running water, and a giant pagan Wicker Man flambe to keep you company? You’re in luck. Since 1986, the nation’s bohemian cognoscenti have converged on a remote [...]
Break Up Stress and Mood Disorder Easy Recipe
1 favorite CD “he” gave you 2 – 6 bottles Merlot 1 late night, say about 3 a.m. Dash of Self Pity Insert CD into CD player and listen repetitively. Slowly ingest the contents of two to six bottles of Merlot, mixing with music and late night lonely hour. Cry piteously into wine, and stir [...]
Recipe for End of Blogger Romance
1 midmonth PMS bout17 horrified remembrances of eating chocolate, chips, or cheeseburgers 1 broken romance 1 endless maw of a blog 1 US economic slowdown Combine exaggerated PMS symptoms with relentless thinking about last few days’ caloric ingestion. Simmer heartbreak with fears about making enough money freelancing to survive, then blend with the demands of [...]
Recipe for Raining Down Vengeance
1 seriously bad attitude 1 pair of jeans that really fit and make you look good 3 shots Cuervo, no salt, lime yes 1 unwitting victim who makes the mistake of looking down your shirt Shake bad attitude gently to aerate, then pour slowly into jeans until packed tight. Saunter through local establishment, approach bar. [...]
Recipe for Smarminess
1 child actor 1 Oscar nomination, or movie script featuring terminal illness 1 studied attempt at naturalness Directions: Just mix with audience – and enjoy. Did you like this? Share it:Tweet
Recipe for the Ultimate Hissy Fit
1 grievance – real or imagined 1 previous bad event, shortly prior 1 excellent outfit with appropriate shoes and bag Simmer earlier resentment from unrelated event with new ingredients til boiling. Stir pot vigorously, cover, let steam form. Wait for lid to fly off. Serving suggestion: Make sure the outfit’s good – presentation counts. Did [...]
Perfect Bar BS Detector
Bar B-S Detector Recipe 1 pre-existing Significant Other 1 complete lack of interest in sex with BS artist Did you like this? Share it:Tweet
Recipe for Bar Hookup
1 bar full of low-discernment barflies, fully crocked 2-16 shots to quell hibitions 1 quasi-attractive performer, drunk on Miller Light 1 evening, gettin’ on past midnight 1 of those aforementioned low-discernment barflies Directions: Actually, I don’t think they really need our help. Did you like this? Share it:Tweet
Recipe for Relationship Breakup
2 squirming people who really do not want to have this conversation 1 reference to “energy” 1 “oh, no, it’s me” 5-6 halting pauses 1 guilt attack Fold ingredients together, reserving guilt in separate container, till mixture congeals and forms soggy, malleable mess. Serving Tip: contents edible only briefly before spoiling. Did you like this? [...]
Recipe for a Bad Date
2 agendas 1 brightly lit, warmish environment perhaps guarded by Cerberus? 0 sexual tension 1-5 bottles Merlot Directions: Apply alcohol liberally and soak overnight. Do not consume leftovers. Did you like this? Share it:Tweet
Recipe for Good Date
1 subjective opinion that your companion is very attractive 2 randy human beings 1 low light environment 1 obsequious waiter working his tip by fulsomely complimenting what a great couple you mate. I mean, make. 1-3 bottles Merlot Directions: You need directions? Did you like this? Share it:Tweet
How to Handle a High School Reunion
I’m about to come crashing into a very scary ghost. No, it is not rattling chains in the attic, getting on my nerves. It is a more personal haunting. I’m about to revisit the Ghost of Me Past, courtesy of my upcoming twentieth high school reunion. And while my head is still spinning, I’ll then [...]
How Not to Care About Other Peoples Opinions
People will always have opinions about you. You will please them, enrage them, annoy them, delight them. If you tried to keep up with all these reactions, you would drive yourself crazy. That is why most of them take place without our knowledge. This is good. Problems result when you pay too much attention to [...]
Inside Every Woman There’s a Beautiful Witch
Of all the archetypal icons we can invoke in our lives, the witch is surely the most powerful. Yeah, we may be acting like Athena when we ask for a raise with imperious confidence or modeling Juno when we go ballistic, but the witch is the uber-identity. The witch is the wise woman, the crone [...]
How to Quickly Sort a Room and Organize It
The house was bringing Baby down. I was a victim of Acquisition Creep, and something had to be done or I’d be wallowing in old prom dresses forever. I realized that I hadn’t had a good Spring Clean since I moved here in 1999. The closets were loaded down with junk; it was time. So [...]
Why You Need the CHI Flat Iron
Maybe I should keep my mouth shut about the greatest beauty aid ever made.But I think that tight-fisted, I’m-not-giving-you-my-recipe, cannot-remember-where-I-got-the-shoes, womanly competition model is getting old. So here you go.The biggest beauty secret I know is the CHI flat iron by Global Beauty.Have you noticed how silky Nicole Kidman’s, Debra Messing’s, and other curly girls [...]
How to Treat Hair Color Brassiness
You were looking for the Jennifer Aniston thing, you got the Carrot Top the repulsive comedian thing. Sure redheads are, um, sorta great, not him, but you wanted buttery blonde. Why did you go red? You’ve been bitten by the dreaded brassiness, but there is a cure. Any time you bleach your hair lighter, with [...]
Why Chocolate and Wine are Good for You
Will there ever come a day when smoking a pack of cigs and guzzling a round of lemon drops is found to be health inducing? Only in Woody Allen movies. Still, there are a few new health advisories which give hope to the wicked girl who likes her formerly taboo indulgences. Sunning Unabashed slathering yourself [...]
Design a Sexy Bedroom
Yes, Virginia, every woman needs a room of her own. It’s your intimate lair, the sanctum that readies you to conquer the world. If it is not, then it’s time to create that fantasy. Your bedroom should enchant you first and, secondarily, anyone who is privileged enough to get an invite. Unlike the public spaces [...]
The Fat Mirror Has Got to Go
Instead of looting Amazon for the latest exercise tapes and fantasizing about spending your tax refund on lipo, feng shui your closet and you and your clothes will look better instantly. We have all both been on the receiving end of department store dressing room fat mirrors.Why, oh, why do you silly retail establishments not [...]