“Whaddya mean you don’t have any toys?” she once barked at me. “What? You’ve got no toy chest??!”

I, er, blushed. It was like being in six grade. I didn’t have the right shoes.

“Oh, no,” Martha clucked, horrified. “That won’t do. How old are you?”

Somehow lil old me had never made it to Martha’s establishment but that finally changed. You see, I mentioned to my girlfriends that I knew Martha and the group immediately wanted to meet her. At her place of business. Okay they begged.

So I organized Toy Night. I arranged for a salesperson to give the feckless (yes, that’s feckless) women a private explanatory tour of the merchandise. Then sent an email to all my 10 closest girlfriends, inviting them to the tour, and including directions. Dinner to follow at the usual location. Shopping bag contents show-n-tell? Strictly optional.

What the Ladies Learned

Condom Sense’s “Toy Master,” Sarge, a 20-year Navy Medic vet, explained chapter and verse on all the accouterments. He was particularly into VPS or vibration per second. Sarge gave the ladies an HOUR long tour – believe me, that’s a lot of product – told us about ViaCreme, and guided us to the Astroglide. “Hellloooo,” said Sarge. “Technology has come a long way, ladies.”  He also told us how he met his wife, memorably, in the store’s Toy Room while she was reaching for an appliance.  Sarge say it’s all about jelly machinery or ‘cyber skin,’ and well, er, if you want more details you’ll just have to drop in yourself.

Oh, what did ‘we’ buy?  Forget it.

So here you go.  The biggest beauty secret I know is the CHI flat iron by Global Beauty.  Have you noticed how silky Nicole Kidman’s, Debra Messing’s, and other curly girls’ hair has been getting?  When they go straight for some big event, it’s SILKEN and pancakian flat. 

Ladies, that’s only the handiwork of the CHI, not some low-rent pretender.With ceramic plates instead of metal, the CHI babies your hair while applying the temperature fires of hell to make it absolutely stick-straight and sealed against any possible humidity.  Use the CHI, go stand in a car wash on a 119 degree day, and that hair ain’t going ANYWHERE. 

Shellac queens like Anita Bryant only dreamt of hair this unmovable.  My best friend has very straight hair and she uses her CHI to flip the ends, style effortlessly, and get a fantastically sealed shiny cuticle.  I have wild frizzy hair and use the CHI to smooth and straighten into Twiggyesque strands.  Turning 40 was worth it, if only for the fact that I lived long enough to see this invention. Order your CHI from your stylist (you can’t buy them retail, you need a distributor) or buy one online.  They range from $140-$220.  I found mine at e-Bay for $119.  It is worth every scintilla.   

It was grooming.

Yes, it was definitely the 70’s with its reverence for all things natural.  Not only did the babes not shave under their arms, they had a veritable old growth forest down south.   It was, how do I say it…?  Repulsive.  I mean, gross. Shudder. Thank heaven we’ve progressed.  Or…HAVE we?  Last week I watched The Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal and noted the same forest therein.  Did we not all catch the Brazilian wax episode of Sex and the City?  Ladies!  Less is MORE.  It’s just not attractive to wear everything God gave you.  Even boys are trimming these days, part of our porn-infused culture. Here’s how to deal with the Bermuda Triangle gracefully. You’ll need:

• Scissors
• Razor

There’s no need to carve out a heart or star shape unless you really want to make a statement.  (Of what, exactly, I can’t begin to imagine, except Beware Heavy Traffic).  First the prep-work.  Take your scissors, and pulling small tufts between index and middle finger, neatly trim all over. 

Next, get in the bathtub.  In reclining position, take razor and gently run it over mons veneris downward in the direction of the hair using small, light strokes, just going over the surface of the hair, not making contact with your skin.  Don’t bear down.  You are NOT shaving – you are thinning. 

Don’t take the hair down as if it’s your legs; you’ll wind up like a bald turkey and have to go through the pricklies while it grows back.  The look you want is about an 1/8 inch of hair, for a downy, well kempt look.  Make sure to spread em and catch your upper inner thighs, too. Nuff said.  

Any time you bleach your hair lighter, with highlights or single-process color (all over color), there’s an awful chemical truth. You will eventually experience the dreaded nightmare: brassiness. As color fades, the residue “lifts” to a warm tone, and it’s sayonara, sweet sunstreaks and hello, Bette Midler.

Here’s how to counteract the problem.

BRASS BALLS

Have your stylist do a single-process color all over that’s near your natural hair shade. If you’re covering a lot of gray, your stylist will have to do this anyway before highlighting. Consider changing your routine and stick to highlights just around the face for ease of upkeep.

WHITEOUT!

Overdid it? If you find yourself looking less Beach Bunny than Beach Blanket Bimbo, try this quick remedy. Over time, your highlighted locks get paler if you continue bleaching…so periodically ask your stylist to “low-light” your hair to restore some naturalness. Low lighting is the opposite of highlighting…darker strands are added to your sunny tow head to turn down the volume. It’s a great look once fall arrives – and paired with a pair of intellectual glasses, smashing.

GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP

Two-tone? Gray roots are, repeat, NOT your look. Think flexibility. When you first start covering your tiny gray, a wash-in semi-permanent color like Natural Instincts will do the trick. The color enhances your natural shade, adds shine, and upkeep is easy….about every month and a half to two months. However, at a certain point, that trick will lose its potency and you will have to upgrade to permanent color, and/or highlighting to keep ahead of the gray. Have your stylist keep tabs on your gray development.  Tell her you want info strictly on a need-to-know basis; otherwise, keep it to herself.  Unless you’re dark, dark, dark…consider adding some blonde highlights to camouflage those pesky “silver” hairs.

  Sunning

Unabashed slathering yourself with suntan oil and frying ye-self seems as antiquated as using actual butter in your recipes.  But we all need Vitamin D, which we receive from the good ole sun.  It helps increase serotonin – and keeps our bodies functioning efficiently.  We get V-D (sorry, too easy) in dairy and bread, but some scientists are now advocating 15 minutes of unprotected sun during the day to get your full allotment rather than resorting to focaccia.  After that, DO slather up with sunscreen, but enjoy the added rosy glow and moment of retro bliss while basking.

Chocolate Binges

Hark, the heavens have answered. German researchers find dark chocolate could help lower your blood pressure, protect your heart, and send masses of good antioxidants zinging around your blood stream.  Dark chocolate lovers,  you’re in luck – milk chocolate didn’t produce the same effect, possibly because of milk products used in its production.  An earlier Harvard study (1998) of 8,000 graduates found that eating several chocolate bars a month lowered death risk by 36% over those who resisted temptation.  Even better, in the German study, the participants didn’t GAIN WEIGHT though they did substitute chocolate for the desserts they usually ate.  What’s a few extra bars a month between friends?

Red Wine

A Harvard study in Nature found that drinking red wine not only lowers your risk of heart disease (the so-called Red Wine Paradox) but may actually extend your life.  It seems to mirror the benefits of severe calorie restriction, which has been also found to increase life by vast amounts in test mice.  Red wine has a special molecule, also found in peanuts, called resveratrol, which has been found to up the lifespan of yeast up to 80%.  So drink up Shriners…and enjoy.

We have all both been on the receiving end of department store dressing room “fat” mirrors.  Why, oh, why do you silly retail establishments not procure mirrors which make your patrons look slimmer in your overpriced garments?

For years I suffered needlessly by getting dressed in front of a fat mirror.  Then, when the fat mirror BROKE – no, REALLY – I invested $12.99 at Targét for the greatest little funhouse slim mirror ever made.  And it works!  I will wear miniskirts with boots simply because I look great in the mirror; God knows what’s really going on, but at least I believe that I look awesome.

Now, you will have to do some serious shopping for your thin mirror.  They hide, but they’re out there.  Step in front of a series of candidates and you will immediately notice one stands out from all the rest – and perhaps hear a choir of angels tuning up in the distance.  Buy it, use it, do yourself a favor.  Every morning you will feel 7%-9% better about how you look…which translates into 7%–9% more confidence and THAT shows.

Next item. There are to be no more “thin” pants that you snake yourself into in constricting fashion.  None!  None! A man would be emasculated permanently in some of the jeans we doll ourselves up in.  And guess what?  Buying one size larger actually makes you look thinner.  Fabric that sliiiiides over the critical areas rather than bulges flatters.  Just clip the size tag if you have issues, Ingrid.

Invest in outrageously of-the-moment, cheapie jewelry.

That’s the choker with feathers, the spangly belt, the armful of the latest bracelets. A great cheap source for this kind of disposable wear is Express, Forever 21 or Target. For $20 you can get several pieces, wear them for a season and then get rid of them like so much dirty laundry before they turn your arm green. 

Wrap it up in color.

Pashmina shawls are now forgotten, so that’s the right time to recover them. We only do trends around here once they’ve passed into oblivion. Drag your shawl out and wear it to the next party. All the other women will be jealous of your Frida impersonation. Top with big earrings, simple dress and you’ll be fab-o, guapa.

The right boots.

Yes, they’re made for walking, and wearing knee high stilettos just can’t be beat. Nothing makes one feel quite so vixenish. 

Super trendy cosmetics.

Merely wearing the right lip color of the season with the right texture (glossy? matte? dark? light?) goes a long way toward making you look hip, not hopeless. At press time, we are currently still shiny and slick, so get some gloss and ditch the dry lips. Remember when glitter was in for 6 minutes? Just buying a glitter eyeliner to use at a few parties perked up the spirits. With a spartan wardrobe, pulling off the cosmetic look of the moment is effortless chic.

The Art of the Flower

A few seasons ago it was sparkly, jeweled barrettes scattered in your hair. Today it’s the flower. If you want to go real, try a daisy secured on a bobby pin just above (not behind) your ear.  Or try a big silk flower on a barrette – large blooms like peonies or tropicals.  Be forewarned: a flower in your hair alters mood….you’ll feel seductive and especially frisky all night. What to pair with it: Nothing. Lose the earrings, necklaces, bracelets – make this your only adornment. It’s sexier and oh-so confident.

Braids

No Heidi or Pippi action, today’s style is one small braid around the face. Weave your braid so it’s slim and loose, and start a few inches from the part. Secure by wrapping in elastic or non-obtrusive band. A wear-it-once look and fun for a night out.

Curls

If my friend the jewelry merchandiser is wearing it, it’s the thing. Ordinarily her long dark hair is blown-out straight, but this summer she’s going au naturel and just letting the natural curls and waviness go. It’s a different look – fun, and ephemeral. For the naturally curly, it’s a brief fashion reprieve from the tyranny of straighthood, so slick lots of product in your hair (John Frieda’s Hair Serum or Phytologie) to keep the curls smooth and enjoy.  For the stick straight forget it. It’s just not feasible.

Tiaras

Just once, you need to wear a Princess tiara out for a night. Available for around $10 at party stores and novelty jewelry stores, a bejeweled tiara worn with a simple black shift dress transforms your basic boring evening into an Event. The look you’re going for is Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s (“Timberrrr!”), cigarette holder optional. It’s really a costume you wear to amuse yourself.

Occasions: Bachelorette parties, dinner parties where you know all the guests, or a party you give (the hostess is allowed eccentricities). Others will enjoy the tiara on you as much as you will. Think of it as your ministry. 

Ah, yes. The get-up. Part costume, part shooting the bird to the world, the get-up is grownup Halloween. It’s dress up for adults. Get-ups are different from just plain clothes and range from the bedroom varieties (paging Nurse Noelle) to the china-girl satin cheomsong that hugs the curves and lets you play Susie Wong at the nightclub. When you think about it, much of what we wear actually qualifies as a get-up. Wearing a full-length fur is socialite get-up. Wearing a wedding dress is, let’s face it, sanctified religio-political chattel get-up. Wearing a flower in your hair is Hawaiian Tropic Barbie get-up. 

Then there’s the required get-up for the Kentucky Derby.  High Feminine drag: hat, filmy dress, strappy sandals, demure expression, all accessorized with that nasty julep. By donning the appropriate costume, you win admission to a mint-steeped Town and Country fantasy of ossified tradition, horsey people, and the likes of P. Diddy above your head on “Millionaire’s Row” betting horses because the silks match his tie. 

Have get-up, will travel. No get-up? Get left behind. You miss out on men calling “Love your hat!” appreciatively as you pass. Yes, you – and your nine mile wide Scarlett O’Hara brim. Now that’s a tradition even worth drinking a julep for.

Fun Dress Up Costumes

• Entertaining Get-up (silky pajamas, cigarette holder and tiara a la Audrey Hepburn, a ruffled apron for cooking)
• Lingerie Get-up (oh, pls – you need ideas?)
• Grace Kelly (Hermes bag, summer shift, big diamond studs)
• Slutty (push-up bra, low-cut top, shimmer make-up, very blonde hair)
• Home Depot (shorts, sweatshirt, pony tail, tan, hiking boots)

You had to go to a “nice ladies department” at Saks or Neiman’s, but even then it had a surreptitious, bad girl feel. You were supposed to be buying nice sensible bras from that poor old émigré Olga, not the slink Dior numbers. Those were set apart, vaguely radioactive, and even walking in their direction made you feel like a tart.  It was like wearing a giant sandwich board announcing: Hi! This Is About Sex.

Which was part of the fun.  I loved my Dior; I had endless sets, and if you think $40 is a lot to spend now for a bra, try justifying that on your bartender’s tips. The odd thing is, I remember them all.  I may not know your name, face, or where we made out all night twenty years ago, but by God I’ll remember the bra I had on. There was the black lacy Dior with the white pearl heart in the center; the sheer set patterned with cornflowers; the striped shimmer bra which was the first one where I realized…Hey, now! this can make you look bigger!

There were the early side-padded bras that were the forerunner of the Wonder Bra. There was the infamous Exploding Bra That Would Never Stay Fastened. There was the little gingham bra for that country girl/wicked city tramp juxtaposition. Friends, all.

Now there’s…The Nightgown.  It’s nude silk, to the floor, scattered with strategic flowers, bias cut, draped at the bosom, utterly goddess-esque. It’s not me; it’s the nightgown.  It’s the star.  But that’s why we buy this stuff. Lingerie Wardrobe Basics:

• 1 babydoll shortie + thong

• 1 long nightgown

• 1 stretchy camisole

• 1 garter, plus pair of stockings + one in reserve

• 1 getup – you know what I mean. It should match the garter

• 1 Wonderbra for low-cleav nights

• 1 plain, totally smooth bra for under T-shirts and knits

• 2 lacy bras, in white or color + black – remember you can’t wear these with smooth-fitting stuff; so plan accordingly 

• 1 demi pushup bra

• 1 convertible bra – straps make halters and strapless

• 1 silicon filled bra

• 1 school girl roll up stockings for playing naughty jeune fille

• Plenty of coordinating panties and thongs 

Whether you’ve got Alzheimer’s in the family and need to build up mental capacity, or live in smoggy Loraxville and need to beat back the evils of pollution on your DNA…vitamins can add extra protection as your body’s defense system begins to slow down from its manic youth.As we move into our thirties and forties Vitamin C becomes a bigger player. 1000 mg of Vitamin C daily will help give our skin an overall better appearance and tone. 

Vitamin E in doses of 800 mg daily will help ease menstrual symptoms such as breast tenderness and fibroid cysts. After having been diagnosed with three fibroid cysts, my doctor promptly suggested I up my Vitamin E intake to 800 mg daily. It also helps to ease pre menstrual symptoms.

Potassium is an often-overlooked supplement. Two 99 mg tablets daily will help ease painful leg cramps caused from over-strenuous workouts or dehydration due to a wild night of imbibing.

A daily multivitamin has been linked to preventing birth defects in babies. Mothers who were used to taking the multivitamin before becoming pregnant warded off defects that can occur prior to having any knowledge that you’re preggers.

So get in the habit of taking your vitamins daily. You’ll derive huge benefits not only in the way you look but in the way you feel.

  

Previously, dentists enjoyed a monopoly of sorts in the bleaching biz because they were the only ones able to take exact impressions of your teeth. For safety and bleaching comfort, you need custom fitted bleaching trays (upper and lower), but that drove up the cost of bleaching.  Solution?  Now online companies will send you the impression material direct; you bite down and send your chopper impression back to them. Voila! Custom trays arrive shortly thereafter. Cost is approximately 1/3 of a dentist visit, from $129 to  $149.

How Bleaching Works

Teeth darken with age and exposure to cigs, coffee, cola, and red wine. Bleaching uses a carbamide peroxide solution (10% or 16%) to gently whiten the stains trapped beneath the enamel. Trays are filled with bleach solution and worn at night or during the day for 2-3 weeks. Touchups are typically done every six months or so, for several nights.

It’s totally worth it, but beware: the peroxide can irritate your gums, big time. If you have a tiny cut or canker sore, it will feel like someone is driving an awl into your brain. My dentist recommended rinsing with liquid fluoride before putting in the trays; it helped toughen up my gums. 

Other Options

From over the counter remedies to laser bleaching, you have choices. Many dentists offer bleaching free for new patients. If you are considering a new dentist, keep your eye out for these offers which will appear on the dentist’s website (some even advertise on billboards).

BriteSmile or Zoom

Whitening for those who can’t wait. In one hour your teeth can go up to 9 shades lighter. It requires a dental visit where your teeth are painted with gel and subjected to a bright light source (laser). Three 20-minute applications of the light and you’re done. Cost: $500.

Go Smile

Little whitening ampoules and a daily touch up system to reduce even the tiniest dimming of your toilet bowl shade. $89

Crest Whitestrips

This at-home bleaching uses near-invisible, peel off bleaching strips. Use two times a day for 30 minutes each. Process takes about 14 days. Cost: $44.  

Toothpaste

The best whitening toothpastes are Rembrandt, or Aqua Fresh Advanced Whitening (make sure it says Advanced, not regular whitening). Arm and Hammer’s Baking Soda Whitening is also a good choice.

 

I’d been coveting Neutrogena’s new Anti-Cellulite cream for a while, but at nearly $30 a bottle, I didn’t want to spring for the experiment.  My ex boyfriend could get it for me cheap since Neutrogena was one of his clients.  But I didn’t want to ask.  Why? Well, duh.

So my best friend yanked me out of the cellulite closet in front of him.  “Didn’t you want that new cellulite cream?” she said innocently.

Gee, thanks.  Obviously the man has eyes, but do I really want to remind him? 

I was torn…I wanted it, but I didn’t want to admit it.  Ever since the Elancyl Method twenty-odd years ago (the nubbly plastic mitt, the cream), I’d kept abreast of science’s attempts to deal with this scourge.

 

Whether it’s body sculpting with ultrasound, detoxification, or having giant rollers smash over you in a spa, it’s a pesky problem.  Some of the slew of new products use the term ‘clinically proven’ to reduce the appearance of cellulite up to 50%. You can’t just bandy that around…uh, can you, FDA?  Gimme 20-40% and I’ll be extremely happy.

So, when she let the cellu-cat out of the bag, I hung my head and admitted it at last.  Yes, ALRIGHT.  I WANT THE CELLULITE CURE.

So I tried the Neutrogena product, used it religiously and was quite pleased. As promised it did improve the “appearance of cellulite” but it didn’t take it away. I wanted more.   

I moved on to VelaSmooth, a medical clinic procedure which involves a vacuuming device which delivers intense pulses of light to heat up the skin and break up the “bands” of fat that are causing all the trouble. I underwent 16 sessions of an hour each in conjunction with some mesotherapy (a European process to remove stubbon fat deposits through injections of phosphatidyl choline). The combination is called LipoLite. 

VelaSmooth is definitely not painless and takes a certain amount of teeth gritting in the beginning as your skin has to become accustomed to the deep vacuuming. However it is much easier by the fourth or fifth session (is beauty ever easy?) and produces a “cure” of about 2/3 removal (my case estimation only). 

The remaining 1/3 cellulite is a light pitting which I will attempt to take out via Nivea’s new web-only Goodbye Cellulite. After several members of Tyra Bank’s audience tried these cellulite patches and unveiled the spectacular results, I had to have them. 

Nivea is apparently doing no offline advertising but word will get out eventually….so order your patches now before they sell out. 

We experiment endlessly with products, always searching for the Holy Grail which will defeat our unique set of problems and constraints (“my hair is flyaway, but so thick I can’t weigh it down to tame the problem! Now what?!”)

And if one product is good, two or three are even better.  I mix up a special cocktail in my palm every morning. It is designed to deal with several issues, which are often at war with each other. For example:

• I want to make my skin look less red.
• I don’t want to wear foundation because it looks like such a mask.
• I want a far higher SPF than is available in moisturizers with a “hint of color” that would sub for the foundation.
• I want some kind of helpful topical agent (if I’m going to all this damn trouble, I might as well do some good). 
• Whatever I use cannot make my oily-to-normal face greasy.

Friends, that’s a tall order.  But I solved it.

In the palm of my hand I mix three equal pea-sized dollops of the following ingredients. It gives you sheer, glowy coverage that looks fantastic and takes out all the irregularities. It looks like you have absolutely nothing on your face.  

• SPF 50 sunscreen with zinc (I was using the ultra expensive, $30 bucks a tube, Skinceuticals, but switched to a drugstore brand.  Experiment till you find a kind with a good consistency; I like Neutrogena Dry Touch).
• Drugstore foundation (in a darker color than you’d usually wear or you’ll look like Caspar; it washes out when mixed with white zinc).
• Neutrogena Healthy Skin (with alpha hydroxy acids).

I am emphatically not someone with naturally great skin; but I get compliments on my skin now all the time – people, it’s the cocktail. 

Meet the ExerNazis of The Firm.  They don’t want to fix your entire body. Oh, no. Only select portions, which allows you to cherry pick from a variety of DVDs and zero in on your number one problem area. 

Let’s face it, who’s got time to work out the upper body if it’s semi-presentable already?  In a perfect world, yes, I’ll work it all out, but since I’m burdened with a) having a life and b) inertia, I say put the energy expenditure into the place it will do the most good. For me, that’s The Firm: Abs, Thighs, and Buttocks. 

Here’s the guarantee. You will see noticeable results in just nine sessions. Won’t you donate 26 minutes to the cause just three times a week to get it all in the thong ‘kini by Memorial Day?

Even if you’re in relatively good shape, you may not have time to put in the hour and a half five times a week that it takes to be cut like you used to be. The Firm offers you targeted workouts in under a half hour to speed even the most sulky areas toward shapeliness.   

I once had a dental hygienist with a breath fetish.  The woman was obsessed.  And, really, she’s right.  Nobody except your mother will tell you if you’ve got hideous breath, so take prophylactic steps.  Life is full of real issues; why waste time with pretenders-to-the-throne? Here’s her wisdom, condensed.

Tongue scrapers – Forget brushing your tongue with a toothbrush; the problem gunk which provides the rank smell resides at the very back of the throat and tongue. You have to use the scraper so far back it produces the gag reflex.  Minimize this by standing upright with head slightly back.  You will be disgusted at the yucky stuff you will extract; however it’s the number one bad-breath producer. 

Smoking – This is a no-brainer.  Cigarettes linger on your breath.  The best approach is to quit, but if you won’t do it for your lungs, then do it for your sex life.

A long time without water – When the mouth becomes dry, it’s trouble. A bottle of water dissipates the situation.

Flossing – I never flossed regularly until I made the breath connection.  Like they say, only floss the teeth you want to keep.  This also protects against heart disease which can be borne on the wings of gum disease. 

New toothbrush every 3 months – Ok, this one is hard to remember, but if you buy three brushes at a time, it’s easier.  Plus you’ll get a new one from the dentist twice a year when you go in for cleanings, so you’re halfway home already.

Mints don’t really work, but gum does – As soon as mints dissolve, the problem returns, but even worse because the sugar is now working against you.  A bit of gum in the mouth keeps saliva flowing, a primary weapon against dry-mouth (a prime offender).

This book, originally written in the 1930s, is slim but astonishing.  You’ll learn the story of the mysterious Captain Bradford, an aging, youth-obsessed British officer posted to Colonial India who traveled into Tibet to pursue the secret to eternal youth.

When the Captain returned, at age 73, to share his story with his friend Peter Kelder, the Captain looked so amazing that everyone he encountered took him to be not a day past 40. He had shed as much as thirty years, visibly. His hair even turned dark again. So how did the Captain do it? 

Read the book.

It coaches you in doing the Five Tibetan Rites, or ancient rejuvenating secrets passed down from strangely youthful monks high up in what surely might be the real Shangri-La.  The Tibetan Rites are basically five simple yoga moves that you practice every day, which result in weight loss, increased vitality, and the appearance of reversing the aging process.  The positions include “downdog,” “updog,” “table” and a clockwise spinning rotation. They take only 10 minutes – less time than it takes to slather on the cosmetic mask that is intended to conceal your advancing age and yawning crevasse of wrinkles. Peter Kelder was so impressed he dedicated the rest of his life to promoting the Rites so that all people could profit. Meanwhile Captain Bradford disappeared as mysteriously as he came and may well live on in Tibet today.  

Well surprise, surprise, but Mom did know something about eating the right things. I’ve recently become indoctrinated into the world of the high protein diet. It was first brought to my attention by my kid’s swim coach who kept talking about getting leaner. That is turning fat into lean muscle mass by what you eat – and of course, exercising.

Here’s a little of what I learned about a high protein diet:

1. You always eat your protein first.

What’s a good source of protein, you ask? Chicken, Turkey, Seafood (especially tuna, salmon, swordfish), shellfish, red meat. So why eat it first? By eating the protein first it slows the absorption of carbohydrates, which are the bad foods that turn to sugar and attach themselves to your thighs and tummy.

2. Control Portion size.

There’s still no getting away from controlling how much you put into your mouth. A good rule of thumb is a fist size portion of protein, a fist size portion of a carb and a fist size portion of an unprocessed carb such as veggies. If you’re someone who does quite a bit of physical activity, then double up on the protein portion if you’re still hungry.

3. Along with protein your body needs some essential fatty oils.

These can be found in avocados, flax seed oil, raw nuts or seeds, sesame oil, and extra virgin olive oil. A good lunch in this program would be a whole wheat tortilla with some mashed avocado inside, some lean turkey and a dressing of either flax seed oil/olive oil, balsamic vinegar, garlic, lemon juice and mustard.

Dinner could be salmon, a baked vegetable such as a sweet potato, zucchini, squash and a small portion of rice. Forget that yummy baguette you love; bread is a huge no-no. (OK, but I still indulge every once and awhile.)

One thing we’ve taken to doing is having a Protein Shake in the morning. We use Everlean, which you can find at health stores and it comes in chocolate and vanilla. We mix it with nonfat milk, a tablespoon of flax seed oil and fresh fruit such as bananas, strawberries, peaches, blueberries. You put it in the blender and voila, you’ve got a healthy, energy laden drink.

I find it fills you up and keeps your energy level more constant; I don’t have those mid day slumps. Also, by having a high protein diet, you’re transforming those fatty areas of your bod into lean muscle. And of course you can’t escape the need for exercise.The next time you sit down to eat, give what you’re about to put in your mouth some thought. A high protein diet is an easy way to look good and feel good.

Hair Removal

Nair is too messy. Nad’s is too scary. Magic depilatory is too smelly. Unless you’re getting waxed at the salon regularly, simplicity is all about the good ol razor. Discard blades after three shaves, or as soon as you feel “drag” and the razor doesn’t move smoothly down your leg. Bikini line? The secret is shave with the direction of the hair, never against. That takes care of those prickly little bumps.

Hair color 

It’s all about blonde in summer. Even if you are dark, dark, dark, a few highlights add so much. A friend paints white blonde streaks on just a few pieces of hair around her face and the effect is entrancing. Grab some L’Oreal at the drugstore, mix up the peroxide, and experiment.

Skin

You know you don’t get to tan, right?? Or at least, don’t burn. Smugly, I’ve been out of the sun for nearly 15 years and wear sunscreen every day (Skinceuticals 30 SPF with Zinc – mixed with a blob of foundation). Fake tanner is okay, but time consuming. I find bronzer (MAC Golden compact) does the trick much faster. Swish it across cheekbones, nose, forehead, chin, down the neck and in the cleavage. It’s the look-‘n-feel of tan, without the pesky cancer issues.

Clothes

Bare it. Nothing feels so sexy as wearing a little less than normal. We love to buy armfuls of little T’s, tanks, and halters in the Juniors department or discount stores where they’re so cheap. For $30, you can have a slew of pale blues, yellows, turquoises, and hot corals. Match with capris or white jeans and sandals and you’re good for most events. You need a cute little bag, too. This summer’s standout is a pale blue, boxy linen number.

Teeth 

Whiten up. If you’ve bleached your teeth before, it’s time for a touchup. If you haven’t yet you’re in for a treat. It looks so great against bronzy skin. A few nights with bleaching trays will see you through the next six months, or Crest Whitestrips. At the very least use a whitening toothpaste ($9) which takes teeth up to 5 shades whiter.

Make up 

Sheer color looks so fresh right now and more fun than boring old neutrals. A little pale green shadow, pinky lip color, and bronzer. Oh and gloss. Get those lips wet! And don’t use powder to cover up glowy skin – the sheen really does make you look younger. I was converted when I read that Rose McGowan said she has taken years off her friends’ looks by demanding they quit using powder. The funny thing is, she’s right.

Scent

Ditch the spicier scent for a lighter, more summery cologne like Armani’s Gio or Carolina Herrera’s new Chic ……and old standby Inner Realm (made with human pheromones – NO humans were harmed in the making of this cologne!). It’s also fun to pick up a cheapy cologne at the drugstore for retro fun…Windsong…Vanilla Musk…even Charlie. Keep that in the fridge and spritz liberally. Who can say no to the 70s? 

NoonCity: You look great.

Botox Betty: Thanks. It’s made a difference, I think. I’m not quite so haggard anymore.

NC: That whole now-I-just-look-like-50-miles-of-bad-road versus 55 thing?

BB: Yep. You’re jealous.

NC: So, what’s the deal? First, who do you go to? How’s it work?

BB: I went to a plastic surgeon. You can go to a derm, but the surgeon was actually cheaper. Go figure. Anyway, it only takes about 2 minutes, or not even. I was stressing, but he makes just five pinpricks between your eyebrows and it’s over in a flash. Bam, bam, bam. You have to hold still, with your head against a rest.  He even gets it done between his eyebrows, he said. It was pretty cheap: $250 per area.

NC [rapidly doing the computations for herself – damn, this’ll take a lot of poison]: Per area?

BB: Yeah, between your eyebrows counts as one. Both crow’s feet count as two. Forehead is one. I only did between my brows. Now that hideous vertical line is gone.[She makes a face, trying to scowl.  The skin between her brows stays preternaturally smooth]

NC: How long’s it last, Cher?

BB: Well, this is my second round. It’s supposed to last a little bit longer each time you do it. Between 3 – 6 months.

NC: How far in advance do you have to call?

BB: I think I got an appointment within 10 days.

NC: Aren’t you a big wigged about using a paralytic agent so close to your brain?

BB: It goes in the muscle, not the brain. He doesn’t have a foot long needle. Then it passes out of the body altogether.  Supposedly.

NC: So, what happens after you get the shots? Is it immediate? 

BB: Oh, no. It actually takes up to 5 days to see the effects. The first time, I had a small anxiety attack when it was over. I felt a little faint, but that’s me, stressing. He told me not to lie down for four hours. So I went shopping.

NC: Can you go out or are you out of commission?

BB: I went on a Friday and went out that night.  You can drink, he said.  Just no bending over for those first four hours.

NC: Did you have any problems?

BB: It didn’t take fully the first time, so I went back for a “touch up.” Those are free. They under do it at first. Oh, and I had a tiny headache at one point; that’s normal.

NC: What do you think about Cher? Is her face frozen because of Botox, or is the surgery? I love Cher, by the way.

BB: I dunno. I think it’s just been worked to death. She doesn’t really smile anymore and that’s what makes her look weird.  I’m not sure she even can.

NC: She still looks better than most 60 year olds.  Sooo, what’s next? Do you do this for the rest of your life or what?

BB: I don’t have it down to a fine plan yet. For the next couple of years, probably.  Who knows where we’ll all be then?

NC: Amen, sister.

About Botox

Ah, those pesky vertical lines betwixt your eyebrows. For some reason they’re far more offensive than the delicate cross-hatching just starting under your eyes or around your mouth. They make you look evil. Like you’re frowning all the time and had a particularly bad decade. What’s a girl to do – tolerate this?

Botox® shots are a fast, non-permanent fix that instantly makes a difference. Your friendly dermatologist numbs the skin topically then injects the wrinkle with botulinium toxin. Unlike collagen which plumps the skin, Botox® paralyzes the underlying muscle and makes the skin flatten out, delivering a more serene expression.

Prices vary, up to $350 per “area,” which generally are the crow’s feet, forehead, or between the brows. Results last about four to six months. Because of its short shelf life, Botox appointments are stacked on designated ‘Botox’ days. Downside: complications can include short-term facial drooping. You have to withstand about 7 pinpricks.  Also, you can’t lower your head for a couple of hours. 

For the squeamish: yep, it’s botulism.