First, consider these items:

Lusterware – copper and silver versions
Majolica in every possible shape, form, and combination
Carafes – cheap, frosted, etched, outsized, silver chased
Tiki dolls and fertility statues
Platters, tureens, dishes, all in rose patterns
Tiny little cordial glasses, sets (see above carafes)
McCoy and Roseville pottery
Starving Artist’s renderings
Colored glass anything

Here’s what you’ll like but will agonize over. Your mantra: I can’t make a decision because my brain has turned to mush.

Urns
Sconces
Silver sugar bowls (Victorian)
Sugar shakers + salt shakers
Silver plate pitchers, flower vases
Compotes
Candlesticks, especially giant pillar holders
Pedestals
Parisian holy water holders
Basketweave ironstone
Cake server plates (silver)
Carved walking cane (aka the Husband Beater)

How do you solve your problem?
It’s very hard when you’re barely conscious. But please bring someone with you who will shame you into making a decision. Look, you can’t predict what they’re going to like. If you could, you would just buy the stuff on the damn registry. So what if that’s what they want. Too bad.

So pick something that you like. If it reflects you, it reflects your relationship with the person/couple.
Nifty idea: Enclose a time card so they’d know how long you searched so they’d appreciate it before they shove it on that back shelf.

Buy them in bulk for the colorful pictures and scatter throughout the house. At these prices you can have bunches. I have these votives in my entry, flanking my fireplace, on windowsills, and on my patio (the tall glass makes a nice windbreak). They create a Sante Fe/Tucson kind of feel and the religious iconography adds a folk arty, naive note.
And if you want to say a prayer before lighting, why not? It certainly won’t hurt.

Use a neutral taupe color and a very wet sponge. With broad strokes, wipe the object down with watery paint. Don’t evenly coat if you want a varigated look. Next, glaze your base color by mixing a quart of glazing liquid (get it at Home Depot) with several teaspoons of raw umber, burnt umber, or sienna pigment. Use one, or all of them together.

Brush this mixture over your plaster piece and then wipe off with a rag. Voila! Instant patina.
Keep the rest for your next project. It’s great for garden items.

You can use the same principle in your home. Fragrant, scented soaps are far more economical and powerful than sachets or boring old potpourri. Place a large lavender soap (unwrapped) in your lingerie drawer and the next time you open it, you’ll be amazed at how the scent collects. It’s a lovely surprise each time you pull out fresh undies.

Other places to stash soaps:

Bedside drawer, massed in a pretty bowl in the bathroom, the top shelf in closets, next to your sheets. Buy in bulk – 10 soaps should fragrance your home. Be ingenious.

Layering Scent

Choose a theme fragrance for each room of your house and use a variety of methods to release the same scent. Traditionally, kitchens are citrus-based, while bedroom scents are spicier and more sensual, like jasmine or ylang-ylang. (Vanilla, surprisingly, was found to be one of the most seductive scents to the male nose – so spray some on the sheets, Betty Crocker.) Try woodsy notes in the office or library. Dining rooms are typically kept scent-less with plain tapers. You don’t want candles to compete with food.

Layer Two or More of These Per Room

Flowers, plants, incense, scented candles, diffusers, soaps, linen sprays, potpourri, room spray, sachets, pomanders, even tossing herbs on burning firewood.

Example: A pot of lavender growing by the window, two lavender candles and stashed soap between the cushions of your couch. Mmmm, lavender-y.  Don’t overdo it or your captives will shout: “Quick, crack the window, let’s escape from Grasse!”

The present part isn’t so bad. But the wrapping and card part adds two extra steps. Here’s how to get it done fast when there’s nothing in the house.

Instant wrapping paper:

Glossy magazine pages. Choose for color and pattern and tear neatly at magazine seam. Tape as many sheets together as you need. Four pages wraps the average trade paper back. Use tape liberally.

Instant ribbon:

Yarn, saran wrap, twine

Instant card:

Postcard. Sign best wishes with casual flair. Poke hole in one corner with a sharp knife and thread through ersatz “ribbon.” Adds color and measure of cool.

What you need on hand:

• A book of interesting, perhaps somewhat odd postcards from the bookstore
• Twine or yarn
• Big, glossy magazine (Interview for particularly nice acreage)
• Scotch tape

“Oh My God.”  

“I know. I actually feel my mental health–”

“Returning?”

Yes, add a straight jacket and your cell is complete.  Rock, rock, rock your way to sanity.  Impervious to other Target patrons, we kept swinging and oinking in pleasure until we had to be led, staggering, away. Even better than a hammock, a porch swing is the ultimate opiate, conjuring up a 1940’s fantasy of innocence, neighbors who know you, and long evenings to kill without benefit of being online. Who says you are required to live in the present? Salt your environment with anachronisms and you’ll feel more able to cope positively with the present. Somehow, we must balance the relentless march of tech into our lives. Creating a tiny retro world is one option.

Buy It 

Porch swings are available spring through fall. It’s not just a summer thing. Imagine the cozy fall season you can have…chenille throw tossed over you, a novel, something yummy to drink. You work hard for what reason? Treat yourself.

Install it

Suspend in a tree, porch, patio, or bedroom with or preferably without the unattractive metal support.  Use heavy-duty anchored supports instead.  

Easy Substitution

You say you’ve got absolutely no porch area, just a little spit of cement out back? The hammock, whether Pawleys Island knotted style or canvas, is an elegant solution to your swinging needs and takes less space and hardware. Simply string and swing.

It’s something Native-Americans and others believe in doing – burning a bundle of odd-smelling dried sage inside a dwelling. The sticks “cleanse” the house of anything bad and enable you to create a more sacred space. Some say they have magical protective powers. Hmm. Whatever.  More likely, the action of performing the ritual will make you feel empowered. One stick will do you. Find smudge sticks online or at your local health food store.

How-To:

1. Light sage smudge stick.
2. Walk around house, using your hand to waft the smoke into all corners.
3. Say prayers and ask for blessings.
4. Ritually extinguish stick by immersing it in sand or earth.

Presiding over it all, immune to the vagaries of fashion, is that enduring symbol of romance and secret pre-teen desire: the Romantic Bed. Usually involving a filmy canopy, mosquito netting, or some over-the-top fabric draping, the effect of the bed is undeniably charming, and as sweetly seductive as a maiden covering her mouth while she charmingly giggles. This bed pops up everywhere in popular culture, from Out of Africa to Pride and Prejudice to the dreaded Martha’s boudoir.

The Romantic Bed appeals to the feminine heart. It isn’t going anywhere. If you’ve tired of your antiseptic Calvin Klein bed linens and their relentlessly spare aesthetic, maybe it’s time you indulged in a walk on the white side.

Yes, if you ever wanted a Princess Bed as a little girl…guess what…now you’ve got a checkbook!

You’ll need:

• 6 yards scrim fabric (very sheer and gauzy, white, around $36)
• fishing line (monofilament)
• ceiling hook

How-to:

Find the center of your bed (between two pillows) and mark the ceiling above with a pencil. Drive the ceiling hook about 7-8 inches out from the wall. Fold scrim fabric in half, so that you have two trailing lengths of 3 yards each. In the center, tie a big, loose knot with the fabric. With the fishing line, tie your suspension mechanism: a knot at the base of your loose knot. Leave an extra 7-8 inches of fishing line and tie the fishing line to the ceiling hook, leaving a “drop” of about 6 inches or so. Now the fabric will blouse out beautifully. Push the trailing ends of the fabric down between your mattress and wall. Secure fabric sides with a single clear pushpin (don’t extend the fabric past the edge of the bed).

Added bonus: Perfect for those in-between-boyfriend times, revel in your lacy froth and convention be damned.

But whatever. It’s progress.

At some point you look at the space you inhabit, that influences your every day and mood, and think, gee, I spend more effort on my coffee than the overall mood around here.  I never thought that I was old enough to invest real money in my environment (the assumption being, hey, this all only temporary, right? That was eight years ago). So, with no place to sit and just enough of a hangover to ease my inhibitions, I hit the flea market with open eyes and pocketbook. Hello. Possibilities were all around. I could have refurnished the entire apartment for the price of a pair of new boots.  

What I came home with was odd, but ripe with potential. Admittedly my new couch (the perfect shape and size I’d coveted and never shelled for) is, in fact, currently upholstered in, well, faux lizard skin – which is a look, not mine – but it won’t stay that way for long. And as I say, it’s progress. If I placed an hourly value on Time Spent Obsessing On Making Changes instead of actually just coughing up the money and doing it, I bet I’d come out ahead.

Moral of the Story: Make money by spending some.

Textured paint to the rescue! This is the quickest, easiest fix around to give your walls an updated look, while hiding all of life’s past mistakes.

Textured paint comes in various finishes. Sand (a patterned stucco look), Mediterranean (just that, an old world look), Venetian Plaster and others. It’s applied with a regular roller, or for an even more textured pattern, it can be applied with a looped roller. The fun of textured paint is that there is no right way of applying it; you can create the exact look you want by using a variety of application techniques. My Mr. Home Depot Man showed me the different finishes, my choices of application, mixed my color and I was on my way. Doing a room or foyer is easily completed in an afternoon. Warning! If you use a looped roller it tends to splatter everywhere, so get yourself one of those paint guards that fits over your roller or be prepared to ditch your work clothes.

What you’ll need:

• A paint roller or looped roller.
• Textured paint comes in a 3 1/2 gallon container in a number of finishes; usually between $16 – $20. You’ll need at least one.
• A paint pan container. Available at your handy-dandy Home Depot, Loews, or other home improvement store.

Coverage varies from about 250 sq. feet to 440 sq. feet. The heavier the pattern, the more paint it uses. We found that the coverage for our look (heavily patterned stucco look applied with a loop roller) was closer to 250 sq. feet than 440 sq. feet.

How-to

1) Pick roses, peonies, even chrysanthemums; the larger the bloom, the better. Use 12 blooms minimum.

2) Trim stems of all leaves.

3) Cut stems to fit snugly and low in a smallish vase or pitcher, so only the blooms show, no stems.

4) Mash flowers together. We’re not doing a loose arrangement here. If needed, tie stems with floral wire so blooms are tightly butted against each other.

5) Sink flowers in water.  Savor.

We spent a few hours there recently, bracing ourselves in the frigid winds, walking the cobbly streets and darting into some of the terribly overpriced boutiques. The antique stores were much more to our liking. In one, a very unnerving chap with a white ponytail (bound with leather like a horse’s tail – it’s a look) turned his heavy-lidded eyes upon us. This owner, arrayed in black, was vaguely, uh, Salem-inspired.

“That’s a portrait of so-and-so, the niece of Charles I,” he said silkily.

Had ye a spare 30k to fork over, it could be yours.

The store had amazing things: a painted federal eagle from Newport (20k), an astounding ship replica, conquistador’s helmets, pre-contact (before Columbus) urns, vases, figures.

“You have wonderful things,” I said, pausing over some Napoleonic epaulets.

“Why have anything mundane?” he said. “What would the point of that be?”

Why indeed?

So we dashed out, before our souls could be stolen.

Moral of this story:  Does your house contain interesting, unique things? They don’t need to be expensive. But if you want a memorable space that will intrigue yourself as well as others, choose the interesting always over the mundane and just serviceable.

Holiday Centerpiece. Gather imitation red apples, green pears and pine cones of all sizes. Place in a silver bowl, crystal bowl, wrought iron basket or wicker. If your pine cones are the unscented type – and aren’t they, mostly? – buy a small bottle of Aromatique “Christmas Scent” and spray it right on the pine cones. That way your centerpiece doesn’t just look festive, the smell of Christmas (fake or not) fills your home. Pick up the imitation fruit and pinecones at any craft store (Garden Ridge, Dee’s Crafts, Michael’s). The beauty of this project is you can use the bowl of fruit the rest of the year. Alternate: pile silver or gold ball ornaments in a bowl.

Add a little extra glam to your centerpiece. Buy small glass tubes with stoppers (available in any floral department of a craft or grocery store). The day of a big event, fill tubes with water and add red roses, red or white carnations, white freesias or your flower of choice. Stick the blooms around the fruit and pinecones.

What to do with the bottom branches cut from your Christmas tree? Even if you aren’t doing O Tannnenbaum this year, you can still swing by any place selling Christmas trees and they’ll give you leftover branches. These are great when gathered together and placed in a large decorative basket or container. Decorate them with ornaments, add sprigs of artificial red berries, or just enjoy their greenery and delicious smell. The branches do well outside placed in empty urns and containers.

Here’s a neat thing to do with the Christmas cards you receive. Take the cards and hang them on a banister with ribbon; it’s a great way to enjoy the holiday wishes, add a little color and it’s festive and easy. You can also hang the cards on indoor wreaths.

You’ll need:

• Two or three cans of primer spray paint. Spray on according to directions. Let dry.

• Two or three cans of white spray paint (pick your finish e.g. gloss, satin).

• Newspaper or other material to place your pieces on.

• A well ventilated area.

• Brute labor to move furniture
  

• Just place any of the above mentioned items in the dishwasher and send through the cycle. They’ll come out clean and minus any dust or wax build up.

If you have a wrought iron fireplace screen, just take it outside and give it a good hosing off. This is the easiest way to eliminate and dust, dirt and grime.

I, in my advancing years, simply don’t have a spare half hour.  Nor do I care about being manly.  Here, a recipe for the cheater’s fire.  

1. Open flue

2. Pop Duraflame log on grate (yes, it’ll make the fire a tad hot, but you’re a grownup. You own fire tools). Light where indicated.

3. Blow on the log to move it along. When the paper has been fully burnt away, lay 2 to 3 smaller logs crosswise on top of the Duraflame. Use the fabulous bellows of your lungs to get it all blazing cheerily.

4. Enjoy fire – and feminine ability to cut corners.

Where do you get your burning wood? That’s what God made big lumberjacks for. Call one, and have a half cord delivered.

The closets were loaded down with junk; it was time. So I removed 12 Hefty bags of detritus from the homestead and it feels heavenly. Here’s the down and dirty on how to create an airy new space filled with blissful empty shelves. Plus, you can even make some money, if you’re creative. Here’s how to do it quickly and efficiently:

1. Work room by room, and carry Hefty bags with you.  The object is to clear out what’s uselessly clogging your existence and to straighten and tidy in your wake. Tackle just one area in a room at a time – a desk, a closet, a drawer. First, pull any item you’re bored with that has re-gifting possibilities and put it in a pile.  (TIP: Later, make yourself a present shelf in a closet and you’ll always have something for those times you’re on the spot for a gift.)

2. Sort into two categories – “Trash” or “Somebody Else’s Treasure” (Goodwill, Salvation Army). Take a deep breath and realize that everything in your field of vision will have to be decided on, but that’s the glory of the whole exercise. You’re in CHARGE. 

3. Prepare for surprises. Along the way you’ll suddenly notice horrors like, oh, your curtain sheers are dingy. Stop and pull them down and toss them in a “To Be Dealt With Later” pile.  You’ll also spot missing buttons, chipped paint on doors, dust bunnies.  Where did this come from?!!?, you’ll ask yourself. Get some masking tape, rip off a bit and stick on areas that need help as a visual reminder for later.

4. Line your Heftys up along the walls and keep the center of the room for your sorting mission. While sorting, the main questions to ask are: what is it costing me in space and mental health to keep holding on to this? And, realistically, am I really going to use this enough in the future to keep it? 

The ‘enough’ is the critical part…if you use it once in the next five years does it justify the space?  Think duplication. Do you need the hot glue gun if there’s superglue? Did crafting turn out to be a giant bust, but you feel guilty about chucking the implement? Get rid of it and FREE THYSELF. 

12 Heftys and counting.   

Add Scent                                                             

There’s nothing like entering a room and being seduced by heavenly scent. Use candles, potpourri, incense, or room spray (see recipe below) to set the mood. Scent your sheets by adding paper soaked in essential oils during the dryer cycle. Plant jasmine outside your bedroom windows or balcony.Proven seductive aromas: ylang-ylang, jasmine, rose, Neroli oil, vanilla.  Lavender is sleep-inducing, so tuck some dried sachets under your pillow.

Add Beauty

Your bedroom must be beautiful. Ask a friend who’s good at decorating to come over and help you move furniture and accessories. She’ll have fresh new ideas. When you like the set-up, invest in new bed linens. Put one or two pretty items up on the walls, but don’t overdo it – simplicity is key to restfulness. Use a dresser or organizing unit for your closet so that everything has a place to go. Order, not chaos, is critical. 

Add Feel/Touch

Everything in your bedroom should feel delicious against your skin. If you like the temp icy, set the thermostat low and sleep under a down quilt.  Add:

• Silky pillows to recline against
• Soft sheets, flannel in winter, extra blankets, a puffy duvet 
• A chaise or upholstered chair 
• Faux fur throw
• Layer rugs if your floors are wood
• Wear something silky to sleep in, or nothing at all

Add Audio

It’s nice to play some soft music so you can relax before bed. Add a portable CD player to your night stand, or a clock radio tuned to the jazz or new age station. While you’re at it, why not wake up to that instead of more raucous sound?

A Word About The Bed

According to the designer we talked to, the hot look of the moment is the “big, loose, fluffy romantic bed.” Here’s your shot. Wrought iron is inherently sexy, but any frame will do. Buy a coordinated set of linens which includes dust ruffle, comforter, shams, and bolster pillow. Use four regular pillows on the bed – two for sleep, two with shams (four creates a sense of luxury and they’re heaven to read against). Add a few toss pillows.

You Might Also Like:

• Candles – Scented, preferably. No other room in the house deserves as many. Use pillars and votives liberally. Nothing but nothing makes a bedroom as sexy.
• Incense – jasmine, patchouli (keep burner on night stand, lighter inside drawer)
• A green plant with pretty blooms, or single stem in vase
• Throw – use at the end of the bed or on upholstered chair
• Comfy chair – creates a sense of coziness. No, you’ll never sit in it; it’s just for looks.
• Seductive pillows – sensual fabrics like velvets or silks
• Lavender room spray – brings sweet dreams
• Something red – adds a spot of intense color
• New sheets – buy highest, softest thread count you can afford
• Low-watt light bulbs – you don’t need prison lighting
• Condoms – take out of package and discard box; let’s not advertise, or allow for curious counting
• Massage oil – lavender is recommended
• Small CD player or DVD
• Bowl of apples – the French use this for morning breath
• Scented lavender pillow – crushed lavender inside puts out a powerful scent

On the night stand:

• Kama Sutra – no pressure, of course
• A Gay Man’s Sex Tips For Straight Women 
• The Soul of Sex by Thomas Moore
• Mints 

Room Spray

Fill a plastic spray bottle with water.  Mix with 20 drops of an essential oil (available at the health food store and anywhere aromatherapy products are sold).  Spritz and go wild.   

The All Purpose Bed

The easiest bed in the world to do is the serene white or cream bed.  Use white comforter, pillows, sheets, dust ruffle.  It always looks good and don’t worry, it’s not that virginal.  You’re in it, right?  For variation, substitute a soft colored dust ruffle and one matching bolster pillow.