Game 1. What’s Your Inner Stripper Name?

Add the name of your childhood dog to the name of the street you grew up on. Examples: “Dixie Fifth.” “Hermes McFarlin.” “Binky Langforth.”

Eternally, a gentleman guest will complain that his first dog was a girl and ask to be excused. Inform him of the importance of drag performers. Partygoers must utilize names all evening. Intoxicated revelers are encouraged to actually earn some dollar bills by play-stripping.

Game 2. What’s Your Real Name?

This one is more intuitive. Basically, you just look at your friends and disagree with their names. It’s not about exotica, but an improved name that goes better with the face and personality. Multiple suggestions make it more fun. We all know a woman who really looks like a Kelly, don’t we? Penelope, Carmen, and Chloe…just get imaginative.

2 – 6 bottles Merlot

1 late night, say about 3 a.m.

Dash of Self Pity

Insert CD into CD player and listen repetitively. Slowly ingest the contents of two to six bottles of Merlot, mixing with music and late night lonely hour. Cry piteously into wine, and stir with worries ahead of time re: hangover. Stumble to bed. Excellent for leftovers as Merlot bottles, sticky overturned wine glass, remnant alcohol and self pity will be right where you left them and easily reconstituted.

Serves: You right for picking him

1 broken romance

1 endless maw of a blog

1 US economic slowdown

Combine exaggerated PMS symptoms with relentless thinking about last few days’ caloric ingestion. Simmer heartbreak with fears about making enough money freelancing to survive, then blend with the demands of revealing a certain level of feelings in your lunatic web diary with the correctness of keeping things private – and not letting anyone peer inside TOO closely.

Beat self stiffly for stupid idea of keeping asinine diary in first place. Serve while frothing.

Serves: All 4 personalities

1 pair of jeans that really fit and make you look good

3 shots Cuervo, no salt, lime yes

1 unwitting victim who makes the mistake of looking down your shirt

Shake bad attitude gently to aerate, then pour slowly into jeans until packed tight. Saunter through local establishment, approach bar.

 Consume Cuervo shots quickly in order to maximize freshness then let steep. Not too long, mind you, or ingredients will lose their consistency. Sift and separate male approaches until mix begins to congeal.

Pre-heat oven to EVIL. Insert victim. Bake til soft.

1 Oscar nomination, or movie script featuring terminal illness

1 studied attempt at naturalness

Directions:

Just mix with audience – and enjoy.

1 previous bad event, shortly prior

1 excellent outfit with appropriate shoes and bag

Simmer earlier resentment from unrelated event with new ingredients til boiling. Stir pot vigorously, cover, let steam form. Wait for lid to fly off.

Serving suggestion: Make sure the outfit’s good – presentation counts.

1 pre-existing Significant Other

1 complete lack of interest in sex with BS artist

2-16 shots to quell hibitions

1 quasi-attractive performer, drunk on Miller Light

1 evening, gettin’ on past midnight

1 of those aforementioned low-discernment barflies

Directions:

Actually, I don’t think they really need our help.

1 reference to “energy”

1 “oh, no, it’s me”

5-6 halting pauses

1 guilt attack

Fold ingredients together, reserving guilt in separate container, till mixture congeals and forms soggy, malleable mess.

Serving Tip: contents edible only briefly before spoiling.

1 brightly lit, warmish environment perhaps guarded by Cerberus?

0 sexual tension

1-5 bottles Merlot

Directions:

Apply alcohol liberally and soak overnight. Do not consume leftovers.

2 randy human beings

1 low light environment

1 obsequious waiter working his tip by fulsomely complimenting what a great couple you mate. I mean, make.

1-3 bottles Merlot

Directions:

You need directions?