First, you will consider these items:

Lusterware – copper and silver versions
Majolica in every possible shape, form, and combination
Carafes – cheap, frosted, etched, outsized, silver chased
Tiki dolls and fertility statues
Platters, tureens, dishes, all in rose patterns
Tiny little cordial glasses, sets (see above carafes)
McCoy and Roseville pottery
Starving Artist’s renderings
Colored glass anything

Here’s what you’ll like but will agonize over. Your mantra: I can’t make a decision because my brain has turned to mush.

Urns
Sconces
Silver sugar bowls (Victorian)
Sugar shakers + salt shakers
Silver plate pitchers, flower vases
Compotes
Candlesticks, especially giant pillar holders
Pedestals
Parisian holy water holders
Basketweave ironstone
Cake server plates (silver)
Carved walking cane (aka the Husband Beater)

How do you solve your problem?
It’s very hard when you’re barely conscious. But please bring someone with you who will shame you into making a decision. Look, you can’t predict what they’re going to like. If you could, you would just buy the stuff on the damn registry. So what if that’s what they want. Too bad.

So pick something that you like. If it reflects you, it reflects your relationship with the person/couple.
Nifty idea: Enclose a time card so they’d know how long you searched so they’d appreciate it before they shove it on that back shelf.

Buy them in bulk for the colorful pictures and scatter throughout the house. At these prices you can have bunches. I have these votives in my entry, flanking my fireplace, on windowsills, and on my patio (the tall glass makes a nice windbreak). They create a Sante Fe/Tucson kind of feel and the religious iconography adds a folk arty, naive note.
And if you want to say a prayer before lighting, why not? It certainly won’t hurt.

Use a neutral taupe color and a very wet sponge. With broad strokes, wipe the object down with watery paint. Don’t evenly coat if you want a varigated look. Next, glaze your base color by mixing a quart of glazing liquid (get it at Home Depot) with several teaspoons of raw umber, burnt umber, or sienna pigment. Use one, or all of them together.

Brush this mixture over your plaster piece and then wipe off with a rag. Voila! Instant patina.
Keep the rest for your next project. It’s great for garden items.

Get out of debt

Perpetually, I used credit cards for convenience and routinely carried balances out of perverse laziness. Then, at a certain magic point, usually at the 8 or 9 hundred-dollar range, the balances would suddenly leap forward and mushroom crazily out of control into 2k, 3k, 4k and up. I always wondered how this mysterious alchemy occurred. I didn’t seem to be charging more per month.

Wellllll, it’s a little thing called interest.

The thing is, the bulk of my charges were for $50 or less. Gas, bars, restaurants, trinkets. Almost always, I had the money, but just didn’t have the cash at the point of purchase, so I charged it. Women don’t carry wads of hundreds like men – it’s not encoded into our genes. Evolutionally, women are check writers.

But let’s face it, lots of place just don’t take checks. Hello big balances, and financial serfdom.

The debit card was the solution I was waiting for. Anything that’s not a business expense, plane ticket, or something I need a paper trail for, like big appliances that credit cards will warranty, I charge. The rest goes on the debit card. I carry a pen and the debit card IN my checkbook and have trained myself to write down every debit, as if it were a check. Bookkeeping is a breeze because the money comes out within a day or two. I always know where my balances are. Now, I never pay interest on Starbucks like a damn idiot.

How-to:

1. Next time you’re at the bank, ask for a debit card application. Fill out and send

2. Get a pen that will affix to your checkbook

3. Move all convenience charges to the debit card

4. Start paying down your balances without racking up new debt

You can use the same principle in your home. Fragrant, scented soaps are far more economical and powerful than sachets or boring old potpourri. Place a large lavender soap (unwrapped) in your lingerie drawer and the next time you open it, be amazed at how the scent collects, a lovely surprise each time you pull out fresh undies.

Other places to stash soaps:

Bedside drawer, massed in a pretty bowl in the bathroom, the top shelf in closets, next to your sheets. Buy in bulk. 10 soaps should fragrance your home. Be ingenious.

Layering Scent:

Choose a theme fragrance for each room of your house and use a variety of methods to release the same scent. Traditionally, kitchens are citrus-based, while bedroom scents are spicier and more sensual, like jasmine or ylang-ylang. (Vanilla, surprisingly, was found to be one of the most seductive scents to the male nose, so spray some on the sheets, Betty Crocker.) Try woodsy notes in the office or library. Dining rooms are typically kept scent-less with plain tapers. You do not want candles to compete with food.

Layer Two or More of These Per Room

Flowers, plants, incense, scented candles, diffusers, soaps, linen sprays, potpourri, room spray, sachets, pomanders, even tossing herbs on burning firewood.

Example: A pot of lavender growing by the window, two lavender candles and stashed soap between the cushions of your couch. Mmmm, lavender-y. Don’t overdo it or your captives will shout: “Quick, crack the window, let’s escape from Grasse!”

So I signed up for a knitting class at my neighborhood knitting emporium (now a Starbucks!). I had done some basic sewing, but had zero skills in the hand-to-eye department, so I was a bit wary about my ability to actually tie a series of knots that would end in anything else but tears.

Did I mention that I was desperate? So I purchased my size 7-gauge needles (good for beginners, makes a medium-weight knit like a Shetland sweater) and a ball of worsted wool (again, like a Shetland sweater and REAL easy to see your mistakes on), sat down and prepared to re-learn my left from my right. Surprisingly, it wasn’t so hard. If you can tie a slip knot, you’re on your way. There are two methods to basic knitting. The one I favored is the traditional two-handed technique, where you use your right hand to pass the yarn over the needle. The other — French! typical! — involves winding the yarn around your finger and passing it over your needle from there. Actually the results are identical; it’s only what feels right to you.

By the end of that summer, I had made a number of swatches. The amazingly easy knit/purl jersey stitch (you’re probably wearing it now — it’s like a basic sweater or t-shirt — one flat side, one bumpier side) was a favorite, but under close supervision I was knitting away at more complicated patterns: cables, seeds, the sky’s the limit. In an ambitious moment, I decided to knit my niece a blanket (still unfinished — whoops) in a freaky and complex pattern.

Tip #1
Make your first project small and accomplishable.
The satisfaction of actually completing something is important for continued interest and success.

Tip #2
Find a shop or source for really interesting wool.
It helps if, after you’ve invested numerous hours and frustration in creating an object, you actually want to wear it. (In NYC, great yarns can be found at the Greenmarkets)

Tip #3
Find a laid back shop or friend to walk you through the beginner steps.
Remember this is a task designed to reduce stress, not exacerbate it.

Scarves are really easy and satisfying. There are also some simple hat patterns that can be done in a day or two. Anything that involves a straight line is possible (big bag? shrug?). Remember last winter when every magazine was showing chunky knit hats, scarves, bags and sweaters? Chunky knits up easy — the bigger the needle and wool, the faster it goes. Relax, listen to the radio and use your time to make something for yourself. Handmade doesn’t mean perfect. That’s the point.

The present part isn’t so bad. But the wrapping and card part adds two extra steps. Here’s how to get it done fast when there is nothing in the house.

Instant wrapping paper:

Glossy magazine pages. Choose for color and pattern and tear neatly at magazine seam. Tape as many sheets together as you need. Four pages wraps the average trade paper back. Use tape liberally.

Instant ribbon:

Yarn, saran wrap, twine

Instant card:

Postcard. Sign best wishes with casual flair. Poke hole in one corner with a sharp knife and thread through ersatz “ribbon.” Adds color and measure of cool.

What you need on hand

A book of interesting, perhaps somewhat odd postcards from the bookstore
Twine or yarn
Big, glossy magazine for particularly nice acreage
Scotch tape

“Oh My God.”

“I know. I actually feel my mental health–”

“Returning?”

Yes, add a straight jacket and your cell is complete. Rock, rock, rock your way to sanity. Impervious to other Target patrons, we kept swinging and oinking in pleasure until we had to be led, staggering, away. Even better than a hammock, a porch swing is the ultimate opiate, conjuring up a 1940s fantasy of innocence, neighbors who know you, and long evenings to kill without benefit of being online. Who says you are required to live in the present? Salt your environment with anachronisms and youll feel more able to cope positively with the present. Somehow, we must balance the relentless march of tech into our lives. Creating a tiny retro world is one option.

Buy It

Porch swings are available spring through fall. It’s not just a summer thing. Imagine the cozy fall season you can have chenille throw tossed over you, a novel, something yummy to drink. You work hard for what reason? Treat yourself.

Install it

Suspend in a tree, porch, patio, or bedroom with or preferably without the unattractive metal support. Use heavy-duty anchored supports instead.

Easy Substitution

You say you’ve got absolutely no porch area, just a little spit of cement out back? The hammock, whether Pawleys Island knotted style or canvas, is an elegant solution to your swinging needs and takes less space and hardware. Simply string and swing.

It’ something Native-Americans and others believe in doing – burning a bundle of odd-smelling dried sage inside a dwelling. The sticks “cleanse” the house of anything bad and enable you to create a more sacred space. Some say they have magical protective powers. Hmm. Whatever. More likely, the action of performing the ritual will make you feel empowered. One stick will do you. Find smudge sticks online or at your local health food store.

How-To:

1. Light sage smudge stick.
2. Walk around house, using your hand to waft the smoke into all corners.
3. Say prayers and ask for blessings.
4. Ritually extinguish stick by immersing it in sand or earth.

At $60 an hour, I contemplated why I seemed to feel no intellectual resistance to paying that outrageous price. I finally decided the environment was so relaxing that it had been engineered precisely for that purpose; to lull my rational brain into paying these exorbitant rates without complaint.Her house was the most soothing place I’d ever been — now, I wanted to know why.

So I did a reverse-engineer and tried to figure it all out. For $60, I could at least pick up some design tips.

The house was an average cottage on a small tree lined street, nothing to write home about. The strange feeling that caused me to fall asleep each time on her work table seemed to begin a few feet from the door. What was there?I retraced my steps.

Aha! Windchimes.She’d heavily salted the area. Not the obligatory single set of chimes, but at least three sets so they interacted and created a symphonic sound that came in through (open) windows.

Assault of smell/sound/flickering candles on entering.My senses were immediately engaged in her waiting area.Small mirrors strategically placed told me I was in the clutches of a Feng-Shui master; incense burned in a small dish; several inexpensive tall religious candles burned in brightly colored glass.The chimes mingled with a very faint CD playing some natural sounds like waves or crickets chirping. Wickedly clever.

Getting naked. Putting on a robe indicates a formal or ceremonial change of status; every time I slipped into something “more comfortable” for treatment, I was cuing myself to expect the same soothing result.The mind can be so pathetically predictable.

Natural fabrics. I lay down on a linen covered soft work slab, for lack of a better term. Gauzy fabric breathed in and exhaled out of the house with the breeze while that perennial windchime concerto played through my subconscious. While I dozed, the acupuncturist would cover me with a light cotton blanket. Bliss.

How to recreate the acupuncturist’s pleasure palazzo

CD of classical music, new age, or rain sounds
Several windchimes hung strategically

Incense (try something exotic like myrrh)

Mexican religious votives

Tiny mirrors to move chi (place in corners of room)

Kimono or robe for lounging

Gauzy fabric or cheesecloth to drape on curtain rods. Let excess puddle on floor.

Keep windows open whenever possible.

Presiding over it all, immune to the vagaries of fashion, is that enduring symbol of romance and secret pre-teen desire: the Romantic Bed. Usually involving a filmy canopy, mosquito netting, or some over-the-top fabric draping, the effect of the bed is undeniably charming, and as sweetly seductive as a maiden covering her mouth while she charmingly giggles. This bed pops up everywhere in popular culture, from Out of Africa to Pride and Prejudice to the dreaded Martha’s boudoir.

The Romantic Bed appeals to the feminine heart. It isn’t going anywhere. If you’ve tired of your antiseptic Calvin Klein bed linens and their relentlessly spare aesthetic, maybe it’s time you indulged in a walk on the white side.

Yes, if you ever wanted a Princess Bed as a little girl, guess what? now you’ve got a checkbook!

You’ll need:

• 6 yards scrim fabric or netting (very sheer and gauzy, white, around $36)
• fishing line (monofilament)
• ceiling hook

How-to:

Find the center of your bed (between two pillows) and mark the ceiling above with a pencil. Drive the ceiling hook about 7-8 inches out from the wall. Fold scrim fabric in half, so that you have two trailing lengths of 3 yards each. In the center, tie a big, loose knot with the fabric. With the fishing line, tie your suspension mechanism: a knot at the base of your loose knot. Leave an extra 7-8 inches of fishing line and tie the fishing line to the ceiling hook, leaving a “drop” of about 6 inches or so. Now the fabric will blouse out beautifully. Push the trailing ends of the fabric down between your mattress and wall. Secure fabric sides with a single clear pushpin (don’t extend the fabric past the edge of the bed).

Added bonus: Perfect for those in-between-boyfriend times, revel in your lacy froth and convention be damned.

Start. Stop. Glug. Suddenly my mouse demanded the hand and eye coordination of a Swiss watchmaker. What was this resistance? I’ve given my mouse everything. Now, ingratitude?

Yes, it’s a $5 piece of plastic. But I feel a Constitution-Granted Right to get at least two years out of a mouse before buying another. Cruelly I tossed the mouse against the wall, hoping to shock it into submission, but acting like it was only an “accident” while I reached for a Cheeto. “Get your act together,” I snarled. “Start gliding, baby. Glide! Glide!”

Nothing.

My surly mouse and I continued our standoff until I was advised by a computer expert that stuff builds up inside mouses. And you have to periodically clean them.

“Do you have a cat?” he said. “I guarantee you’ll find cat hair in there.”

He was right. Cat and mouse – imagine.

How-to Deal With Your Balky Mouse

1. Turn mouse over.
2. Twist off the plastic plate on top of the trackball.
3. Pop the trackball out; don’t stress — you won’t break it.
4. Use your finger or nail to wipe off the three rollers inside (you’ll see lots of black gunk on them).
5. Replace trackball and cover.

Enjoy smoothly gliding mouse. Sigh with contentment at your satisfying wizardry and impress all your guy friends by showing them “neat” computer trick. And that was the end of my mouseke-tears.

But whatever. It’s progress.

At some point you look at the space you inhabit, that influences your every day and mood, and think, gee, I spend more effort on my coffee than the overall mood around here. I never thought that I was old enough to invest real money in my environment (the assumption being, hey, this all only temporary, right? That was eight years ago). So, with no place to sit and just enough of a hangover to ease my inhibitions, I hit the flea market with open eyes and pocketbook. Hello. Possibilities were all around. I could have refurnished the entire apartment for the price of a pair of new boots.

What I came home with was odd, but ripe with potential. Admittedly my new couch (the perfect shape and size I’d coveted and never shelled for) is, in fact, currently upholstered in, well, faux lizard skin – which is a look, not mine – but it won’t stay that way for long. And as I say, it’s progress. If I placed an hourly value on Time Spent Obsessing On Making Changes instead of actually just coughing up the money and doing it, I bet I’d come out ahead.

Moral of the Story: Make money by spending some.

Textured paint to the rescue! This is the quickest, easiest fix around to give your walls an updated look, while hiding all of life’s past mistakes.

Textured paint comes in various finishes. Sand (a patterned stucco look), Mediterranean (just that, an old world look), Venetian Plaster and others. It’s applied with a regular roller, or for an even more textured pattern, it can be applied with a looped roller. The fun of textured paint is that there is no right way of applying it; you can create the exact look you want by using a variety of application techniques. My Mr. Home Depot Man showed me the different finishes, my choices of application, mixed my color and I was on my way. Doing a room or foyer is easily completed in an afternoon. Warning! If you use a looped roller it tends to splatter everywhere, so get yourself one of those paint guards that fits over your roller or be prepared to ditch your work clothes.

What you’ll need:

A paint roller or looped roller.
Textured paint comes in a 3 1/2 gallon container in a number of finishes; usually between $16 – $20. You’ll need at least one.
A paint pan container. Available at your handy-dandy Home Depot, Loews, or other home improvement store.

Coverage varies from about 250 sq. feet to 440 sq. feet. The heavier the pattern, the more paint it uses. We found that the coverage for our look (heavily patterned stucco look applied with a loop roller) was closer to 250 sq. feet than 440 sq. feet.

“Oh, nothing,” I say. “Or just something teeny-tiny.” I do mean that, usually. Or maybe what I really mean is: I don’t want you to feel you HAVE to do something, and I don’t want it to be a BURDEN, but if you INSIST, I’d like something, I just don’t know what.

So what happens? You get stuff you don’t want. Or you don’t get anything.

Reality: People are going to buy you things to show they care. Human beings express themselves materially; it’s just a quirk they have.

So, you need a list. You need an answer to that question and not off the top of your head. What you really need is a registry, a thing engaged couples know is the best part of getting married.

Creating the Registry

1. Pick your favorite store & it needs to be online so people can order things for you remotely. Amazon, Macy’s, just about all major stores offer this service.
2. Set up a registered wishlist or registry account with login and password.
3. Download Amazon’s plug in for its Universal Registry, which lets you save anything from any store to one list.
4. Sit down for 30 minutes and have fun browsing. Click all the mundane stuff you need for your house or self but never bother to buy (and never remember to ask for). Include fun items that seem frivolous, but you’d secretly love. Now you are getting into the spirit.
5. Alas, your wishlist won’t sell itself so you will need to tell others about its existence. The mass mailing notification that some stores offer is a tad cold. So just drop the hint the next time you’ve got a birthday or other gift giving occasion coming up. Something along the lines of Oh it’s so silly, I finally broke down and made a list somewhere so I could remember what I want….Nudge nudge.
6. Update your list on a yearly basis.

The beautiful part is, Givers receive a very great service. They get what they really desire: a little direction and input. Getters receive the goods. What’s not to love.

Game 1. What’s Your Inner Stripper Name?

Add the name of your childhood dog to the name of the street you grew up on. Examples: “Dixie Fifth.” “Hermes McFarlin.” “Binky Langforth.”

Eternally, a gentleman guest will complain that his first dog was a girl and ask to be excused. Inform him of the importance of drag performers. Partygoers must utilize names all evening. Intoxicated revelers are encouraged to actually earn some dollar bills by play-stripping.

Game 2. What’s Your Real Name?

This one is more intuitive. Basically, you just look at your friends and disagree with their names. It’s not about exotica, but an improved name that goes better with the face and personality. Multiple suggestions make it more fun. We all know a woman who really looks like a Kelly, don’t we? Penelope, Carmen, and Chloe…just get imaginative.

How-to

1) Pick roses, peonies, even chrysanthemums; the larger the bloom, the better. Use 12 blooms minimum.
2) Trim stems of all leaves.

3) Cut stems to fit snugly and low in a smallish vase or pitcher, so only the blooms show.

4) Mash flowers together. We’re not doing a loose arrangement here. If needed, tie stems with floral wire so blooms are tightly butted against each other.

5) Sink flowers in water.  Savor.

We spent a few hours there recently, bracing ourselves in the frigid winds, walking the cobbly streets and darting into some of the terribly overpriced boutiques. The antique stores were much more to our liking. In one, a very unnerving chap with a white ponytail (bound with leather like a horse’s tail (it’s a look) turned his heavy-lidded eyes upon us. This owner, arrayed in black, was vaguely, uh, Salem-inspired.

“That’s a portrait of so-and-so, the niece of Charles I,” he said silkily.

Had ye a spare 30k to fork over, it could be yours.

The store had amazing things: a painted federal eagle from Newport (20k), an astounding ship replica, conquistador’s helmets, pre-contact (before Columbus) urns, vases, figures.

“You have wonderful things,” I said, pausing over some Napoleonic epaulets.

“Why have anything mundane?” he said. “What would the point of that be?”

Why indeed?

So we dashed out, before our souls could be stolen.

Moral of this story:Does your house contain interesting, unique things? They don’t need to be expensive. But if you want a memorable space that will intrigue yourself as well as others, choose the interesting always over the mundane and just serviceable.

Holiday Centerpiece. Gather imitation red apples, green pears and pine cones of all sizes. Place in a silver bowl, crystal bowl, wrought iron basket or wicker. If your pine cones are the unscented type and aren’t they, mostly? Just buy a small bottle of Aromatique “Christmas Scent” and spray it right on the pine cones. That way your centerpiece doesn’t just look festive, the smell of Christmas (fake or not) fills your home. Pick up the imitation fruit and pinecones at any craft store. The beauty of this project is you can use the bowl of fruit the rest of the year. Alternate: pile silver or gold ball ornaments in a bowl.

Add a little extra glam to your centerpiece. Buy small glass tubes with stoppers (available in any floral department of a craft or grocery store). The day of a big event, fill tubes with water and add red roses, red or white carnations, white freesias or your flower of choice. Stick the blooms around the fruit and pinecones.

What to do with the bottom branches cut from your Christmas tree? Even if you aren’t doing O Tannnenbaum this year, you can still swing by any place selling Christmas trees and they’ll give you leftover branches. These are great when gathered together and placed in a large decorative basket or container. Decorate them with ornaments, add sprigs of artificial red berries, or just enjoy their greenery and delicious smell. The branches do well outside placed in empty urns and containers.

Here’s a neat thing to do with the Christmas cards you receive. Take the cards and hang them on a banister with ribbon; It’s a great way to enjoy the holiday wishes, add a little color and it’s festive and easy. You can also hang the cards on indoor wreaths.

Two or three cans of primer spray paint. Spray on according to directions. Let dry.

Two or three cans of white spray paint (pick your finish e.g. gloss, satin).

Newspaper or other material to place your pieces on.

A well ventilated area.

Brute labor to move furniture